I'm here to help
Therapy for adult children of emotionally immature parents
Some parents can't be there for their child's feelings. They may dismiss them, get overwhelmed by them, make everything about themselves, or just not know how. The reasons vary, and they usually have little to do with you. The result can be the same: you learned to manage on your own, and to manage them.
As an adult, that can show up as guilt when you say no, a habit of taking care of everyone else, numbness, or relationships that don't work the way you want. Therapy can help you understand what you learned and decide what you'd like to keep.
What “emotionally immature” means here
It is a plain way to describe a parent who couldn't stay steady with a child's feelings. Maybe they got angry, or went quiet, or needed you to look after their mood. Maybe they loved you and still didn't know how to listen. Maybe they were unwell, stretched thin, or carrying their own history.
I use the phrase because it is the one many people search for when they are trying to name what they grew up with. I don't use it to label anyone's mother or father. What matters in the room is what you needed, what you learned to do instead, and how that is working for you now.
How I work with this
Four things shape how I approach it.
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We don't have to go through your childhood in detail. Meaningful work is possible without retelling it, and we don't go anywhere you haven't agreed to go.
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We work with the body, not around it. Being the steady one, or the invisible one, is often held as tension, bracing or numbness. We notice sensation in small amounts and settle in between.
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We get curious about the parts of you that took on a job. Using Internal Family Systems as a way of working, we meet the part that keeps the peace, the part that watches everyone's mood, the part that feels guilty. They learned those jobs for a reason, and they can be met with compassion.
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We look at what you came to expect from closeness. Attachment-based work helps us see the patterns you carry into friendships, partnerships and your own parenting, and try something different at your pace.
Read more about somatic therapy Read more about IFS-informed therapy Read more about attachment-based therapy
Signs this may sound like you
- Feeling guilty when you say no, or when you take time for yourself
- Taking care of other people's feelings before your own
- Not being sure what you feel, or feeling nothing
- Going quiet or tense around your parents, even now
- Being the one who keeps the peace in every room
- Telling yourself it wasn't that bad, or that other people had it worse
- Worrying that you will pass these patterns on
Having some of these doesn't mean something is wrong with you. They are often what a child learned in order to get through.
What the first few sessions look like
We start with steadiness before we go near anything hard. I want you to have reliable ways to come back to the present, and I want to know what actually works for you. From there we move at whatever pace feels comfortable, and we check in often about whether the work is helping.
Sessions are 50 minutes, in person in Anaheim Hills or by secure video, and most people start weekly.
Is this a fit
This is likely a fit if you grew up managing a parent's feelings, if you carry guilt about limits with your family, or if you'd like to understand the patterns you learned without having to retell every event.
It's likely not a fit right now if you need a higher level of care than weekly outpatient therapy, or if there's active substance use that needs its own treatment first. Tell me on the consultation call, and I'll help you find the right level of support.
Common questions
- Does this mean my parents were bad people?
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No. Many parents who couldn't meet their child's emotional needs were struggling themselves, or had never been shown how. Therapy here isn't about assigning blame. It is about understanding what you needed, what you learned instead, and what you want now.
- Do I have to cut contact with my parents?
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No. I don't steer anyone toward or away from their family. Some people stay close, some set limits, some step back. What you do stays yours to decide, and we can work on the guilt and the second-guessing either way.
- Why do I feel guilty setting boundaries with my parents?
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Guilt is common when you learned early that other people's feelings were your job. It tends to ease when you can tell the difference between being kind and being responsible for someone else's reactions. That is something we can work on at your pace.
- What if my childhood looked fine from the outside?
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That is very common. A home can have food, a roof and good intentions and still leave a child alone with their feelings. What was missing can shape a person as much as what happened. Read about childhood trauma therapy
- Do I have to talk about my childhood in detail?
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No. Retelling in detail isn't required and isn't something I push toward. We work with how it lives in you now – in your body, your relationships and the way you speak to yourself.
- Do you take insurance?
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Yes, if you have Aetna or UnitedHealthcare (through Optum). I bill your plan and you pay your copay. For other plans I can give you a superbill to submit for out-of-network reimbursement. See how insurance works
Not sure which fits?
Most people don't arrive with a clean label, and the thing you came in for is often not the whole story. You don't need to decide now. The other places people start:
Trauma therapy Childhood trauma therapy Anxiety and depression Grief and loss Couples and family therapy